Monday, May 1, 2017


Jus Just finished the series '13 Reasons Why' and feel the need to say a few things.

First things first: let's cut the taboo crap out. Okay? I'm going to be blunt. I have been suicidal.
I have been suicidal and depression is something I will likely deal with for the rest of my life

Its hard to read and even harder to write, but it's the truth and it's okay to talk about!

I have thought about ending my life with a gun.
I will spare you the details..|
but I knew how it would take place,
where it would take place,
I knew why and I was working on when it would take place.

Don't ask what changed, (because to this day I couldn't tell you) but one day something clicked. I got the courage to tell someone and this person convinced me
to talk to my mama (who also happens to be one of my best friends) and I got help. I'm a lucky girl who has a supportive family, amazing friends, and many wonderful angels in my life who listened and offered support.

That leads me to my second thought. You have NO idea what someone is going through. You have no clue how the little things you do and say...effect people. You have no way of knowing if someone is contemplating suicide or harming themselves or simply just struggling with day to say life...but you DO, have the power to love. You could possibly be someone's hero. You can be a listener. You can make a difference!

Third. If you are feeling lost, alone, and/or unsure about your worth, life or your purpose. I encourage you to take action. Ending it all is not the answer! I know from experience how scary it can be. I know from experience how much easier it seems to end it. I know what it's like to be at battle with yourself day after today. I know how embarrassing it feels to be suicidal for 'no reason'. But I also know from experience that there IS hope and happiness ahead. YOU are important. And your life matters!

We may not be close. But I am here for you! I have two working ears and a whole lot of advice. Write a letter, send me a text (801-995-5148), an email, make a phone call. No matter what you do, do not be ashamed of yourself. Get help! Depression and suicide are very real things. Getting better and loving life again is a very real thing as well! For me, God is very real. And for me, rock bottom was the perfect foundation for a new start. My roller coaster of life is currently going up. I have good and bad days. It goes down from time to time. It throws me for loops. But it's still moving and yours can too! Just know that someone out there is here for you and loves you and wants to help you. All you have to do is take the first step and help you. I promise there is a lot of good yet to come.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

open book

WARNING: I recently went MIA on Facebook and IG. For those of you that noticed, I love you and I AM BACK! For those of you that didn't notice, I love you the same :)
The following post was a rough one for me to write. Read at your own discretion.

Did you know that 80% of individuals suffer from depression and don't receive treatment? Did you know that 1/2 (40%) of those individuals don't ask for help or get treatment because they feel that depression is Taboo?

I was one of those 40%. And I am here to tell you my story and take a stand against depression.

When I was in 5th grade, my hamster died. I was depressed.

When I was in 10th grade, my family moved to a new house. I was depressed.

When I was a senior in highschool, I broke my back. I was depressed.

To me, depression has always equaled sadness, crying, and being scared.

It was something that you feel when you experience something sad.

It is something you deal with when you go through a scary experience.

It might have even been something that someone calls you when you aren't acting like your happy "normal" self.

 But other than that, I have never given depression much thought.

All of that changed as of this summer.

Now, I can see that depression is REAL.

Depression is scary.

Depression is serious and something you shouldn't ignore. 

I know this now because I've experienced it first hand.

You see, you don't have to have someone die to be depressed.
You don't have to have a scary experience.
You don't even have to have a reason.

Just like a common cold, Depression can hit anyone, anytime, for no reason at all.

That is what happened to me, and here is my experience:

I have always been a very anxious person. At a very young age, I started biting my nails and cheeks. Little things cause me big stress and the anxiety I feel over simple situations is crazy. In 7th grade, I went through a terrible phase of 'missing my mom.' I couldn't go to school without crying. I couldn't let my mom leave for work at 4:30am without getting out of bed and hugging her and telling her not to die. I spent most of my time fearing my family would get hurt or be involved in accidents. I felt completely miserable and sad. But my naive mind didn't think much of it. My mom began to notice the change and got me an appointment with the school counselor. Long story short, he didn't seem to think anything was wrong (I wasn't very open/honest with him) and he told my mom I was a completely healthy, normal 7th grader.

Fast forward to my senior year. I broke my back in a trampoline accident. After a few weeks of being bedridden I began to suffer from the same feelings of sadness that I remember experiencing in 7th grade. I missed my mom anytime she left. I imagined my family dying. I felt sad and spent most of my time crying. After continual use of Percocet, I soon realized the 'happiness' that the little white pills brought me. I slowly began to realize that no matter how I felt, taking a Percocet made everything better. It wasn't long before I was taking the pills for pain that wasn't caused by the broken bones in my back. Again, long story short, I was able to stop taking the pills after having an addiction to them and taking them for the wrong reasons .

So here we are. Present time.

Over the last six months or so, I've had some struggles. I know people with cancer. I know people that have lost loved ones. People going through divorces. There are people out there with bigger issues than me....

Yet, here I am. Almost 25, with a great job, a wonderful family, amazing friends. Sad and feeling as hopeless as ever.

Image result for hyperbole and a half depression
To start with, I am a very self conscious person. One of my biggest struggles has been how I view myself and how much hate I have towards myself.

I'm not skinny enough.
 I have ugly natural hair.
The face of a boy.
I have bad eyebrows.
My stomach is flabby.
I have dry skin.
I pick my fingers until they're bloody.
I hate my teeth.
I'm too emotional.

These are the thoughts that fill my mind daily. But you know what's even worse than these thoughts?
My solutions.

Not skinny? Eat less.
ugly hair? Dye it.
The face of a boy? Cover it with makeup.
Bad eye brows? No solution-look ugly.
Flabby stomach? Don't eat.
Bloody fingers? Stress about them, pick them more.
Bad teeth? Don't smile.
Too emotional? Stay quiet.

The hate I had for myself began to fester. I started thinking I would be happier if I looked better. I started skipping meals, weighing myself constantly, exercising non stop. My sisters would mention my eating habits and I would get mad and deny it.

I don't know about you, but for me- the way and things I feel about myself, have a HUGE impact on my day to day life. The vicious cycle of self hate that I find myself in on a daily basis has really been affecting me. I wasn't sleeping well, and because I was no longer eating well, my body was suffering.

I talked with my doctor and told him about being sad. He prescribed me an anti depressant. 


Aside from my doctor, I kept how I was feeling to myself. I didn't need to tell anyone. I didn't want my family to be concerned. I kept how I was feeling from the people I loved because I didn't want them to see me broken. I convinced myself I was fine. This was temporary. I willed myself to be happy, to find hope and light in the small things.

Even though it wasn't working, I stuck to my plan of being silent. I didn't need anyone's concern. And If you haven't noticed by now, my solutions and plan of action sucked. Temporary solutions were obviously not the answer. I needed something permanent.

I continued on the vicious path of hating myself and being miserable. What I though was just mild "depression" about my insecurities, turned into big black hole that slowly felt like it had taken over. Life lost its meaning and  soon I had no desire to do anything. Not only was I feeling sad.. but I felt NOTHING and at the same time I felt
I didn't want to be around anyone, yet I didn't want to be alone.
I was so tired of crying, yet I cried about everything.
I realized I had slowly hit rock bottom, I felt as low as I thought I could.

That was when I realized that things could ONLY go up from where I was... Right?
Until I determined that rock bottom has a basement.

I won't go into detail of the course of the week that followed.. or my thought process, but after a bit of contemplating and major thinking, I realized that maybe life would be better if I no longer lived. I found myself thinking these thoughts on an hourly basis. I started imagining, and planning. I didn't think of the consequences, the future. All I could focus on was how much I hated my self and how much I hated life.

After some time, someone made a statement along the lines of "You know Shay, I just can't help but notice that the light is gone. The happiness and sparkle you used to have in your eyes isn't there." I was hit with a wave of reality and the small bit of rationality I had inside of me spoke up! I started thinking about my family, friends and others that my choices would effect. I finally opened up about how I was feeling to my mom and one of my good friends (and scared the crap out of them in the process) and it was determined that I should probably get professional help.

I was hesitant to talk to someone. I didn't want to be "one of those" girls.

Besides, It took every thing in me to finally mention something to my mom and my best friend that I tell everything to. So how was I supposed to talk with a complete stranger? After a while of contemplating, I decided things weren't going to get better for me unless I chose to make a change. I've started talking to someone. Through this whole ordeal, I've met many women, young and old- that are dealing with issues just like me. Some of them deal with more than I am. But most importantly, they're struggling along with me. I am not alone! I am seeing the light. Do I still have bad days? Yes. Does life feel hopeless still? Sometimes. Do I still think bad thoughts about myself and hate things about me? Of course! But I am working on those things and I will for as long as I need to.
Now for the purpose of this post:

Although I am still on this ugly journey, I have learned quite a bit and continue to do so.


I have learned that depression isn't always crying and playing sad songs.

Sometimes its not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times its desperately needing to talk to someone and be around people.

Sometimes depression is having no appetite, even though you haven't eaten since yesterday.

Its the frustrating feeling of wanting to snap out of it and desperately wanting to enjoy something.

Its knowing that "ill be ok', but still feeling awful.

Its knowing that people love me , but feeling like they don't.

Its waking up in the morning, and only looking forward to going back to bed.

Its fearing that others will eventually see me, the way I see myself.

Its being sad, and not having a reason. Not being able to explain why.

Depression is exhausting.

But MOST OF ALL, depression isn't something I have had to deal with alone.

Depression can and does get better.

It doesn't have to control my life.

Its not something I suffer from, its something I HAVE.

I have depression, I will always have depression, but I will not always be depressed.

I have learned that only I have the power to fix my broken pieces.

I have learned that I have an amazing support system of friends and family that will be there for me not matter what.

I have learned that I have to be willing to change what I can change and accept what I can't change.

I have learned to stop putting my happiness and my worth into other people's hands.

I have learned to stop making it other people responsibility to make me love myself.

I have learned that it is okay to cry. to be sad. to break down and even to lose it. AND at the same time I am learning to 'fake it til' I make it'

I have learned that it is okay to mess up.

I am learning how to eat healthy and to eat 3 meals a day.

I have also learned that it is important to get up, dress up, and show up.

I have learned that the 'monster inside of me' that we label as depression, doesn't get to be in control of me any longer! 

I am learning to COPE.

I am learning to be happy.

I have a network of people that have helped me and continue to help me on this crazy journey. Form my amazing family that was concerned enough to help me help myself, to my awesome best friend who offers me advice (and tough love when I need it most) who I can text on a non stop basis, to my therapist that talks me through all of my thought processes.

I am learning to love myself.
I am learning to step outside of myself and serve others.
That life is good.
God is great.

I am learning A LOT about myself. And to me, that's worth it.




Friday, December 11, 2015

A very lengthly post about guns, religion and the opinion of a [not so typical] Mormon girl.

Over the last week, the amount of opinion on Facebook has been quite spectacular.
From guns,
to Obama,
to Religion
and Trump.

I’ve watched post after post say something about someone or about this and that.
And I am about to jump on board.

First off, I am not a believer of whole “Everything happens for a reason” idea.
I never have been, I never will be.
Do people make choices that have consequences that effect more than just themselves? Yes.
Can we learn, grow and even become better by experiencing tragedy and going through trials? Yes.
Do certain things that happen in our lives, put us on the right road or “path” to reach our goals and overall destinations? Yes.

But is it necessary for those things to be horrible and tragic in order for us to move forward and continue living?

As of 2015, there have been over 350 mass shooting/attacks in America.
Because 350 is a high number of shootings to focus on, I did some research. I was able to track down some information on the top ten 'worst' shootings as far as how many people were shot, where the shooting took place, what and how many weapons were used, etc.

Lets look at some statistics of these 10 shootings: (2012-present)
10 shootings-
11 shooters-
6 White "Christian" men-
(James Holmes- Aurora CO, Adam Lanza- Newtown CT, John Zawanri- Santa Monica CA, Dylann Roof- Charleston SC, Robert Dear- Colorado Springs CO)
3 Indian "Muslim' men/women
(Syed Farook- San Bernardino CA, Tashfee Malik- San Bernardino CA, Mohammed Aboluizeez- Chattnooga TN)
1 Black "Christian" man
(Aaron Alexis- Washington DC)

1 White "Muslim" man
(Chris Mercer- Roseburg Or) 


Some of these shootings involved Military personell. 
Men who had been trained to kill.  
Men who had access to weapons.

Some of these shootings involved children.
Innocent, scared and confused.

All of these shootings involved

So tell me, why are the two solutions to these mass shootings and attacks 
Ban all guns!
Kick out all Muslims!

Please explain to me why one race, or one religion or even one weapon is to blame?

I've grown up in Utah.
I've lived quite a sheltered, naïve life.
I am a [not so typical] Mormon girl/Christian.
Nothing bothers me more than when a 'Mormon' does something '"bad" and it makes the news and I am automatically tied to it because I am also Mormon. I get why it happens, I really do! But if you know me well, you know that I try to be a very open minded individual. I don't always agree with everything the "Mormons" do or teach. I am still proud to be a Latter Day Saint and I will never hide the fact that I am. But along with being Mormon...
I am Caucasian.
I am a college student.
I am 24 years old.

4 out of the 10 of the shooters listed above are within my age by 1-2 years.
6 out of the 10 of the shooters listed above are Christian, like me.
7 out of the 10 of the shooters listed above are Caucasian, like me.
3 out of the 10 of the shooters listed above were college students, like me.

So yes, lets ban all guns!
Lets kick all Muslims out of America because of what a group of Muslims have done!
While we are at it, lets get rid of the Christians, the Caucasians, Men, Women, Guns.

HELL, lets get rid of the human race altogether.

You see, TO ME...these shootings aren't about guns.
They're not about what religion you are,
what race you are,
whether you agree with someone or not!

Yes, all of the things mentioned above have a large impact on people and the choices they make.
These shootings are happening because the number of 'armed jackasses' outnumber the 'non-armed jackasses' 5:1 and banning guns will only increase this ratio in the wrong way.
These shootings are happening because the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun. And the good guys are being profiled based on LOOKS and RELIGION.
These shootings are happening because the "bad guys" behind the guns have no value for any form of LIFE regardless of what their religion or their skin color is.

They're happening because there is absolutely nothing we, the government, or any other organization can do to prevent them! No entity can do anything meaningful (more than is presently being done) to stop a disaffected person hell-bent on committing a shooting.

Its time to wake up, people!

Buy a gun, protect yourself and your family!
Do guns make you uncomfortable? Don't buy one.
Love God! Pray for peace and comfort.
Don't believe in God? Don't think prayer works? Don't do it.
Engage others. Don't isolate people. Teach your children the value of life and what a wonderful thing it can be!

I know this is just a bunch of rambling. I know there will be people that don't agree with me.

To the man that I over heard saying "We need to kill all Muslims and get them out of the US.":
I sure as HELL hope when your child gets cancer, is involved in a horrific accident or gets sick with pneumonia and needs to be hospitalized.. that you don't expect help from the Muslim Pediatric Oncologist, The Muslim Critical Care specialist or the Muslim nurse that all would give your child the best care possible regardless of what the media is saying about their religion.

To the woman that said "We would be better off if we could get rid of guns and Muslims altogether." on facebook, let me know how it goes when you need assistance from a police officer, who happens to be Muslim AND has to defend you and your family with the gun he carries.

And to the group of kids blaming the "red neck, gun toting morons and all of their pro gun talk" for these shootings, I happen to have quite a few friends that own guns. And not only would they take a bullet before you... but they would take a bullet FOR you.

They wouldn't go down without a fight.


Friday, July 24, 2015

Lesson from Dog: Congrats, there's something wrong with you.

I've never been able to sleep in. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to sleep soundly past 9AM. So, this morning..even though I went to bed at midnight, it was no surprise when I was completely awake even though my phone only read 6:52AM. 

[I should note that the fact that my beautiful Aliza is moving across the country today, has nothing to do with me not being able to sleep. :( Al- I love you and I will miss you so so so much aL.]
(Ignore the tears.. saying goodbye at the airport)

Now that you know about my poor sleeping habits, I will get on with what this post is actually about. 
I headed to my parents house this morning at 8am. 
Because of the time of day, everyone was either asleep or gone at work. In fact, the only person awake when I walked in the door was my dog, Rambo. I knew this immediately, because the minute he heard the door open, his usual thump off of the bed and onto the floor was heard. 
Rambo met me at the top of the stairs. He didn't mind that it was 8 am. He didn't care that I didn't come bearing treats or that my hair looked gross and that I had nothing to offer him. He just stood there with his tail wagging, happy to see me. 
We laid on the floor in the sunshine for a good hour. 

It may (or may not be) be a shock, but I am a deep thinker.

I over analyze, over think, and over contemplate EVERYTHING. A lot of my thoughts go towards criticizing myself. 

I have SO many insecurities. flaws. issues. 

I am always worried about whether or not people like me. 

What people think of me. 
I am always focusing on the broken parts of me and I spend way too much time telling myself that I need to fix this or change that.
I want to be happy.
I want to be more kind.
I want to be a better listener.
I want to be confident.
I want to be a likeable person.
I want to be adventurous.
I want to be skinny. in shape.
I want to be brave. 
I want to be able to do pull-ups.
I want to be close to God.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be proud of myself.
So the very simple gesture that my dog was so completely happy to see me just the way I am got me thinking... 

My dog will lick himself, no matter who's watching. 

My dog spends a lot of his time sleeping. 

He doesn't care if people think he's lazy. He enjoys his sleep so.. he sleeps. 

My dog likes to (attempt to) hump his toys. Ready or not, he will show his skills even though they are very subpar. 

My dog {thinks he] buries his bones, treats, toys- pretty much everything.. on the carpet. And if he doesn't like where he has recently buried something, he picks it up and buries its somewhere else. He doesn't care that we laugh at him and make fun of him.

My dog is a good running buddy. But he picks the most inconvenient times to poop when I take him. 

He doesn't pay attention to who's lawn he is on, what cars are driving by, or what people are around. He is just over joyed to be outside.

My dog will lick you and cuddle you. He doesn't mind if you are covered in sweat, or if you've been crying. He doesn't care what color your skin is, or if you're skinny or even if you're a girl or boy. If you're sick, or sad he will be by your side. He will kiss you and love you no matter who you are.

My dog has seizures, eats veggies, doesn't bark at the door or people. He shows no interest in other dogs and doesn't realize that although he feels like a badass- he only weighs 13 pounds. 

He is not a "normal" dog.
And you know what? He doesn't know it and he doesn't care. My dog is himself.He loves everyone. He is happy. He is care free. He doesn't let anything stop him. He tries new things. He gives second chances.He live's in the moment.He's a good listener.  
More importantly, I wouldn't change ONE thing about my "un" normal dog. I love him exactly the way he is! So why can't I apply that to myself as well? 

My dog teaches me lessons on a daily basis, but the biggest thing he has taught me?
That there's something wrong with me. 

There's something wrong with everyone. 
And in all reality, there is nothing wrong with any of us!

I'm playing the game of life..the best I know how to for myself and you should too. 
There’s no such thing as "the way you should be."

You will never become someone, because you ARE someone, right now.
Next time you feel like garbage.. Take notes from your dog, you might be surprised at how much you can learn from an animal that can't talk at all, but knows how to truly love you when you don't love yourself. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Its okay, even the sky cries sometimes.

Last week, a little boy in my parents neighborhood was hit and killed by a car.

The driver of the car wasn’t speeding. He wasn’t texting and wasn’t distracted in any way.

A football practice consisting of 8-9th grade boys was just ending, and the young boys leaving the practice happened to whiteness the entire accident.

The distraught mom of this little boy was only feet away as her young son was struck by the car, and her cries could be heard from the Jr high across the street.

Although efforts to save the boy were put forth, he was pronounced dead at the scene cradled in the arms of his mom.

 His name was Cole.
 He was 3 years old.

A few days later at Cole’s funeral, the church was full of family, friends, neighbors and strangers coming to show their support for this family. Seated in the congregation was the group of Jr. High football players, dressed in their football jerseys.

On the front row, Cole’s family sat with the man who accidentally took their little boy’s life.
Not only was Cole’s family sitting with this man, but they were surrounding him with nothing but love, peace and warmth.

 7 months ago I started working at a bank in Springville. During my first week of work, I met a lady who not only was hilarious and fun to be around but also has a love for Harry Potter. After a week of working with this lady, I noticed how lucky I was to have met her. We quickly realized how much we had in common and we became friends really fast.

3 weeks ago today, this friend found out she had fluid in her lung. After a few weeks of having some funky symptoms and a couple of doctor’s appointments later, this woman was told she would have to take a few months off of work in order for her to get completely better. Although I was sad that my ‘Harry Potter Loving’ buddy wouldn’t be at work with me every day, I was happy with the idea of her finally feeling better. So, after a quick goodbye was made, it was decided that we would get some lunch or drinks and catch up soon. Sadly, none of this actually happened.

A short time after she left work, she got more sick. Her symptoms increased and she realized that things may be more serious than she thought. Another trip to the doctor and after some more tests, it was determined that the fluid was actually a blood clot.

I would love to say that the blood clot got better and shortly after, she returned to work. But that is not the case.

Yesterday, this friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, with a terminal outcome and no treatment options.

Along with the cancer in her lungs, it was found in her brain.

In the last 24 hours (after a surgery or two and a stroke as well) she has become less alert and she is unable to communicate.

Today her family was told she may not make it to tonight.

Today I am feeling what a broken heart truly feels like.

I'm realizing the value of friendship and how quickly things can change.
Tonight I'm going to hug my family a lot tighter and love my friends a lot more.
Tonight I'm learning to add meaning to my life.
As sad as I am, and as depressing as life can seem.. I'm counting my blessings.

I am trying really really hard to see the positive.
I'm realizing how lucky I am to be healthy and happy.
And to have a family and friends with the same things.
I'm realizing how much I love my work family and the bonds that we have together.

Tonight, a family is grieving the loss of their 3 year old son, brother, and child. They are also showing the world that life goes on but that its OK to be sad. They have shown me what true forgiveness is. They're teaching me a whole new meaning of love.

Tonight another family is at the bedside of they're mother, sister, and daughter and they are prepping their selves for the worst.

Tonight will end.
Tomorrow will come.
And it's up to me (and you) to make the best of it while we still can.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

This is me.

We are having another slow day at work so I figured it would be a good time to write another post. I have so many thoughts jumbled in my head and it’s usually pretty easy for me to write them out. For some reason, everything I can think of writing about seems so lame.
It’s crazy how much has changed since my last real post and how much actually hasn’t changed too.
I recently moved out. I didn’t move far, only about 20 minutes away from my parents. And can I just say it is crazy how much freedom I have recently gained? Living at home, I didn’t have rules (other than the fact that I had to help around the house and I didn’t get to choose if I waited to load the dishes) I did my own thing. I am a pretty good girl and I’ve never had a curfew or a desire to be rebellious.
My parents have always been pretty chill with me because they got a LOT of experience with my older sister and I am an angel compared to her. So when I actually moved out, I felt like life wouldn’t be much different. Boy was I wrong.
In the last year of living on my own, I have been lucky [or unlucky] enough to go through multiple different roommates. When I say different, I don’t mean just different girls. I mean different from one extreme to the other.  I’ve had great roommates, some not so great roommates, and one really horrible roommate. But you know what? I could list something positive about each one of them.

I’ve made friends.
I’ve made memories.
I’ve even made messes in the kitchen and not cleaned up until the next day. J
I’ve learned the true meaning of patience.
I’ve learned that everyone is different and that is okay.
I’ve learned to step outside of my comfort zone. 

Most importantly.. living on my own, I’m learning ME.

I’m figuring out who Shay is.
What Shay likes. 
What Shay wants.
I’ve learned that I love art.
I like to draw.
I like music.
I like playing the piano.
I like to run.
I’m (VERY) slowly learning that it is possible to even like myself.
And if that’s all I focus on for now, I am completely okay with that.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

OH my goodness, I am back.

Thanks to my lovely friend NaTasha, I have decided to pick up on blogging again. Don't ask why I went MIA for a while there.

Because I don't have an answer.
I was jut going through my old posts and I realized that I have written multiple but never actually published them. I love going back in time and reading what my immature mind had to say about life, over 4 years ago. Quite comical if you ask me.

 I DO find it quite interesting the the last post I wrote but failed to publish publicly was regarding my stance on same-sex-marriage. And I find it very interesting that 19 year old Shay and 23 year old Shay agree with each other for the most part. I could go on and on about religion, politics, and life in general on my blog. But ask me what I think in person, and you wont get two words outs of me. Depending on who you are of course. (Sorry to those who I actually open up and never shut up to.)

I really miss writing.
It [almost] gives me the same stress relief that running does. Especially when my mind is so jam packed full of shiz and I don't want to just lose it on someone. :) Here is your formal warning: Unfollow my IG, and my Facebook if you would like. Otherwise, you may be seeing some very frequent (or infrequent) posting going on.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic."

I have a slightly un realistic fear.

A long time ago, in a letter/survey from a friend, I was asked; "what is your biggest fear in the world?"

Wanna know what my answer was? Being raped.

Weird huh? I've always had this weird fear of being kidnapped and raped.

Recently, I've had a huge change of mind, and a new fear has set in.

After breaking my back... (and I promise this should be the last post about it!) I realized that there may actually be something that scares me more than being raped!

For 8 weeks, I was off work.

For 7 weeks, I couldn't run,

For 6 weeks, I had to lay flat on my back.

For 5 weeks, I needed help getting out of bed.

For 4 weeks, my mom had to shower me.

For 3 (okay way more than 3) weeks, I relied on pain medicine to get me through the day.

For 2 weeks, I needed help walking or had to be pushed in a wheel chair.

For 1 week, I could barely walk.

I might be in pain for the rest of my life.
BUT, It has been worth it.

There are SO many things I want to do.
I NEED to do.
I CAN do.
I WILL do.

If at anytime I am asked what my biggest fear in te world is... My new answer is; growing up too fast.

It took breaking my back for me to realize how amazing my life is.
How amazing I AM.

I can do so many things with the life I have been given. I'm ONLY 20! There is no need to rush!

This last month I've been asked when I am getting married more times than I can count on 2 hands. I have two beautiful friends that are engaged and will soon become wives. I'm soooo happy for these girls and I love them to death. But, I'm in no hurry to be the next in line. :)

I'm too selfish to get married right now.

I'm too niave.

And I definately don't know myself enough, let alone, know someone else enough to be with for eternity!

I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me. I can't wait to start school, move out, and have time for ME and my life.

The life I've been so blessed to have.

So, here's to a bright future!

And a nursing degree in the near future :)

And EVEN a husband, and kids. In the future.

For now, I'm just a kid.

For now, I'm lovin life.. And soaking ut all in, day by day and a minute at time.

For now, I have to not only have faith in my savior.. But faith in his timing.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind..

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Never forget to live, love and laugh.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you do or don't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you are loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Tales of tonsilitis, bloody noses, and "I don't feel good" (s) PART 1

I woke up the other day thinking about a few years ago, when I got to experience how horrible having surgery is. This is kind of something I have been wanting to document, so down the road I can read, in detail, what took place.

For my sake, I am going to start at the VERY beginning. Here is your chance to decide wheather or not you want to continue reading a VERY VERY VERY LONG post, or hit the X in the right hand corner. :)

At the end of my freshman year (9th grade) I started getting horrible headaches. At the time I had only ever had ONE migraine, and I could tell that these daily headaches were different. I tried drinking more water, getting more sleep, reducing stress in any way possible.. and nothing worked. My mom was constantly asking how I felt and always getting the response "I just dont feel good." She decided to take me to the doctor. He was extremely nice, but a little concerned about the constant headaches, so he sent us to a specialist and ordered an MRI.

The specialist was kind of mean! First off, his office scared the crap out of me! He had all sorts of tools and instraments that I hadnt ever seen at my regular doctors office.. and second, it took him like 45 minutes to look up my nose, in the throat and ears and then say "I would like for you to have some allergy testing done, to rule out a few things." And like that he was gone. He talked to us a whole 5 minutes and left us with questions unanswered.

Fast forward a week, and I found my self sitting in Brother Boyce's seminary class. Someone had said something funny and I let out a quick "nose laugh". (ya know? where you lightly blow a little air our of your nose.. but you dont completely laugh?) In the middle of this little nose laugh, not only did air come out, but blood too.[This was one of many bloody noses I would experience in a years time... I had no idea what I was in for!] In comple embarrassment I ran straight to the bathroom.

I will spare you the details of the murder scene I left in the Mapleton Seminary Building.. Lets just say, Brother Boyce was concerned enough, that after about 25 minutes he politely knocked on the bathroom door and told me I needed to call my mom and go home. He cleaned up the mess, and a week later we were laughing about the whole ordeal.

Long story short (ha! Do I dare say that?) I had MANY days like the on mentioned above.. They consisted of headaches, bloody noses, and leaving school early.

A billion needle pokes and an MRI later, and we were back in the specialists office. Scared of what he was going to find on the MRI, and terrified I was going to be allergic to anything from horses, to grass, to hair.. the doctor came in and explained that I had a severly deciviated septum. Treatment for it was surgery, but in my case it wasn't necessary. He recommended a nasal spray for the bloody noses and ibuprofen for the headaches. He also told me I wasn't allergic to anything!

Sophomore year began, the bloody noses and headaches continued. I would occasionally miss school due to non stop nose bleeds.. And I suddenly started catching colds like crazy.
Every night when I would lay down to sleep, my nose would plug up, I would sleep with my mouth open, and dry my throat out. All of this would result in a cold and I would be miserable for about a week. I would sleep in (missing seminary) and tell my mom "I just dont feel good."

Over time, all of the horrible-ness, ceased and I was starting to feel better! I was only having bloody noses once or twice a month, the headaches were not nearly as often or bad, and I was used to constantly having a cold.

Life went on, and I continued to put up with my annoying issues. I made it to my senior year, and BAM one morning I woke up, sweaty, shaking, and feeling like i had been swimming. After one or two attempts of getting up, I felt like my body was strapped to the bed. I was so weak and could barely move. That's when I noticed the blood. In my hair, on my shirt, wall, blankets, phone. Everywhere.

Sometime in the night I had gotten a bloody nose. I bled and bled and bled... For who knows how long! I composed myself, shakily walked to the bathroom and turned on the sink. And what do ya know? My nose started bleeding even more! Drip drip drip. Steadily, dripping from my nose. In attempt to not swallow any blood, I tilted my head forward and held a cold wash cloth and a little pressure on my nose.

Again, I will spare you the details of what happened, but it ended in disaster. I had lost too much blood. I was getting dizzy, sick to my stomach and I had to be to school in 45 minutes.

My mom came down, realized this was probably one of the worst bloody noses I'd had (I had another one like this on a vacation an literally left a puddle of blood in a public restroom.) and we decided enough was enough.

We got an appointment with an ENT specialist and counted down the days until we could get some answers.

To be continued...